Mountain of light

It is all about discipline isn’t it. Discipline at work, discipline in your studies, discipline in your savings and that biggest virtue of all – moral discipline. I see my life disappearing and getting trampled under these boulders. Its like a landslide coming from the top of a mountain towards my little cottage at the foothills. Before I know it my life will be ironed out and I will fall into line. Culled into someone I never wanted to be, someone I never wanted to look at in the mirror. Disciplined people look like robots to me, going about their lives in mechanical fashion. I don’t know if they even think what they are doing, if they analyse what else could they be doing. I think they are too scared to even think about living their lives in any other way.

Discipline comes under various guises – professionalism, maturity, sense of responsibility and decency among others. I am supposed to aspire towards these qualities among others. This is what makes me acceptable to everyone and their uncles. This is what grants me that social acceptability. Undisciplined vagabonds have no place in society because they have no cloak of acceptability to hide their indiscipline. Some of these attributes are forced upon me by my parents (well wishers?) and some of it is dictated by monetary considerations. Getting up today morning and coming to work was pure monetary and it went against the advise of every nerve in my body. I came to work today so I could buy that music CD, so I could go pay for that Italian meal and for my cable internet connection. Nothing that I can do today can offer me any professional satisfaction, not by the way my morning went. I have to discipline myself not to take leave on every small pretext which a few corollaries down the line means that I am able to pay for my needs.

I don’t see any point in externally imposed discipline. The realization and the actual act should come from inside. But then the problem with people is that once they discipline themselves they take it upon themselves as their mission in life to discipline everyone around them. I thrive in my indiscipline, in my chaos and this cluttered mind and even my cluttered table. I’ll start to hate myself if I get too disciplined. I don’t think anyone should have a problem with what I do as long as I am not hurting anyone (including myself). I think discipline is too boring and too staid. Once you get into the disciplined way then there is no end to it. There is always someone higher than you and someone more disciplined than you. I guess we look to get inspiration from disciplined people because it doesn’t come naturally to us. I always come across people who make me look like Operation Brassstacks, but do they inspire me? No! I like the way I am and I will change only when the impetus comes from inside of me. I like to keep my balance inside of me and not outside.

Which is not to say I am the perfect man. I am not and never will be. Who wants to be perfect anyway? Too boring.