Mountain of light

Birthday Blues

Another year, another birthday and I am a year older inspite of my best efforts! This time it was a surprise birthday party and all this time I was hoping I would get away with another quiet birthday. What is it about me that I only secretly fantasise about having big boisterous parties where I am the center of attention, but when people turn up at a party that is about me I want to slink away somewhere. It is even worse when I don’t get advance notice to prepare myself for so much attention coming my way. Why in the earth would people want to give me their attention and these are busy people who have a million things to do with their lives, yet they chose to spend their Sunday evening with me. I remember walking up the stairs on Sunday evening and hoping that I don’t walk into a surprise party. Then walking into the dark hall and suddenly all these people come from nowhere and wish me Happy Birthday. I so wanted to run away and hide from the world. I wonder if the guests would have run after me if I had run away. We shall never know I guess.

My birthday for me is a time when I sit down and think about the year gone by and of the people who over the years have made my birthday like their own and of two of the people who have been closest to in my life who died within 3 days of my birthday. Almost, as if they were holding on to their life to wish me happy birthday and plant a kiss on my forehead. For a few years after their death I never felt like celebrating my birthday, but then I realized that that was the last thing that they ever did was to celebrate my birthday, so the least I can do is revel in those memories.

The last year has been particularly difficult for me in more ways than one. My mind has been yielding more and more space to dark thoughts, more than I can remember. I try to fight it and don’t always succeed. I have seen myself increasingly turning to spirituality, meditation, which as Osho says, is medicine for the soul. I am not sure if it has helped. If you are doing well and radiating all positive energy then everything you do is spiritual and religious. But now more so than ever I want to turn things upside down and use my shortcomings as my opportunities. Opportunities to improve myself. Among the things I want to do is write more. Writing, I feel makes me connect with myself more than anything else.

This is going to be my gift to myself for my birthday. Happy Birthday. You are my pride and joy.