Mountain of light

I was on a temporary break from writing in my blog and I must say that I missed writing. I enjoy connecting to my inner self as I pour out my thoughts. Sometimes what comes out in these outpourings surprises me and sometimes it leaves me curious. Curious to what lies inside the mind, especially because here I am analyzing other people and here is this whole new self inside me. Maybe this inner self also feeds on the minds of other people and that helps it to grow. As always there is so much to write about, so much to talk and discuss about and so goes the business of blogging.

An issue that has always been close to my heart has been women’s rights. Growing up, I have always been an advocate of equality of sexes, about women getting their fair due from society, about violence against women and sexual repression which ties up with everything else. My current work assignment is with a women’s rights project and it is starting to expose me to the extent of the problem. The problem is that men just refuse to give women their due and let them be whatever it is that they want to be. They like their women as submissive so they can keep them under their thumb and while they are free to do whatever they want to unchecked. This problem has so many faces. One face is marriage and how men like one type of women as their girlfriends and for pre-marital sex and another type for wives. The women who indulge in these activities are perceived to be loose and not fit enough to be taken home to mother. Another face is post marriage when the women is supposed to buckle down and somehow resolve home and office while the man can keep his late hours and keep his career glowing. I am not against women taking care of the house and the man going out to work, but these should be decisions taken and agreed upon jointly and not inflicted by the man onto the woman. There is also the case of how daughters are treated differently than their brothers. While the sons are allowed to go out and pursue their careers and wherever that may take them, daughters are not similarly encouraged. Yes there are exceptions and thank God for those exceptions but then for the majority this holds true.

Yes it is changing and its changing too damn slow. Men I see are finding it increasingly difficult to face up to the new woman. They don’t know how to react, where to look and they certainly don’t see their mothers in these women. Increasingly, women are not finding the right men and vice-versa. It is difficult for men to give the space that women demand of them. They find it uncomfortable (threatened?) when their woman stands up and holds a conversation and has views and opinions independent of them. Women feel that while they have moved on, men are still stuck in a time warp and their image of an ideal woman needs a drastic revamp. Its a classic mismatch and the only way forward is for the men to change. The men haven’t changed for quite some time now and they certainly haven’t changed for the women.

So why am I saying all this? Personally, some wonderful women that I know and have known have enriched my life. They have added to my thought process, broadened my horizons and have made me a much better person. It is not about control, it is about giving and getting so much more in return. It doesn’t suit anybody for men to continue to dominate women. By continuing with this domination, 50% of the society will never be able to come up to its full potential. I think if we start giving women the space and respect that they deserve in society, we will start cutting off the roots of a lot of problems. Problems like rape, sexual discrimination, eve teasing, female infanticide etc. have their genesis in the respect and space a society accords to its women.

And let’s start with the man in the mirror...

Another year whizzed past me, like a Brett Lee bouncer, before I could say “2003” and here am I staring at 2004 and making plans for the coming year. The new year party seems like it happened yesterday and the next thing I know its time to plan for the next one. As the winter chills me to my bones and forces me to stay at home it is also time for me to look back at this year.

A year is a long time in history, yet as I look back at it and try to write about it I can barely think beyond a few lines at the most. Not for me to churn out one thousand words on 2003.Yet so much happened in this year, so much that books can be, and have been, written on each of those happenings. I see many changes on a few fronts and no or little change on most fronts and its difficult for me to put it all together in some sensible form. So much seems to be happening everywhere, most of it seemingly disconnected, yet it is all connected in some fashion and it is that connecting thread which contains all our answers. I have always groped for that thread and sometimes I think that I have it but then something happens which doesn’t seem to fall in place and make any sense and I am back to groping again. But then man has been groping for that elusive link since way back in time. Whether it is the punter playing in the stockmarket or whether it is the head of a state running the affairs of a country. All of us have at some point (if not all the time) wanted that extra bit knowledge and understanding.

India Shinning – in the last few months of this year we have seen a whole series of “India Shinning” ads run by the government in all the national dailies. Those very dailies that are peddled by street urchins on all traffic lights. The ad is based on everything from improvement in agriculture to women empowerment. The ad gives a commentary on the state of the Indian economy and rattles off figures of growth, foreign exchange and other assorted set of numbers all set to give you the feel good factor. As one columnist very aptly said that in the old times the rulers used to proclaim their achievements by building minars and palaces, while in modern times the rulers bring out full page ads in newspapers and that too at the tax payers expense. Government ads have become much more snazzier as compared to the old DAVP ones. Yes agreed there has been a little bit of progress on some fronts and that has affected a small minority that lives in the urban areas. However, the majority still has to fight every day to fill their stomachs and educate their children. So what if we don’t get to see them in the cities, they still exist. Progress isn’t about showing off new malls to the outside visitor but talking about how much money did those poor labourers get for building those malls and do they have proper houses. It is about asking where did they come from and where are they now?

It bothers me to no end when we live in a society of such glaring disparities and then on top of that the government decides to use the taxpayer’s money to publish huge ads talking about India Shinning. Are we blind? Do we need the government to tell us that our country is shinning? Can’t we make that out for ourselves? What has suddenly happened in the last one year for India to shine? One good monsoon! Is that it? Is that what the economy is all about? Before the monsoon there was no feel good factor and just because we have had this great monsoon things are suddenly looking great!

As much as I wanted to end this year on a cheerful note, its difficult for me to close my eyes to the reality. But I do look forward to the next year with hope and excitement of good ideas being translated into action.

In the meanwhile I shall save my cheers for the New Year do. Cheers to the New Year!

Marriage. Why do people get married? What do they seek to achieve in a marriage that they can’t achieve outside of it or what do they seek to avoid by getting married? I have grown up with these questions in my head and have never got one answer. People have given me different versions, have confused me, fascinated me and even scared me. Even when I sought to analyse married relationships on my own I have come up with all kind of answers. All this while I was putting other people through the scanner and never quite asking myself the question on why would I want to get married, or even a more basic question if I want to get married. But somehow in all my inquisitiveness about relationships I have imbibed some opinions, advices and experiences of people. Why have I imbibed some and not all? Maybe its because those opinions were close to what I already believed in so it was very convenient for me to imbibe them. I don’t know if that is the correct explanation but that is the only thing that I can think of.

So it is I under the scanner now. I am getting married and I am asking myself those very questions that I would have asked of my married and soon to be married friends. I have never been known for an honest introspection but then that hasn’t been for the lack of trying! I have asked myself all the above questions and have got answers to some of them and for some questions the answer is I don’t know. Maybe I’ll have all the answers after I get married, maybe I won’t. But then suddenly when it is all being applied to me I don’t think these questions are relevant. Or atleast only some of them are relevant. Why am I asking all these questions of myself anyway? Especially since I have never sat myself down before any decision and asked questions of myself on why am I doing whatever it is that I am doing. I have just gone and done what I wanted to do. So then, why all this questioning on the decision to get married?

Maybe it is because marriages are under an intense scrutiny these days by everyone from psychologists to jewellery brands. Everyone is out to understand the married relationship and see how best they can focus their products and services on the couple. The psychologists talk about people being in otherwise dead relationships for convenience sake, for the sake of companionship, for kids and what have you. They look to market their services in counseling couples together and separately in reviving their marriages or helping them call quits if there is no way out. The consumer brands talk about reviving dead relationships by gifting diamonds, platinum, holidays, chocolates and flowers to get that smile back into the relationship. There is ofcourse this whole lifestyle industry centered on marriage where they talk about doing certain things in a certain way to make a marriage successful. Examples are given of “successful” relationships where usually the woman is portrayed as a super woman who manages a high profile job, kids, house and writes cookbooks in her sleep. In all this she always manages to look impeccable every time she is photographed. The man usually is in the highest income-earning bracket who takes his family to Europe when it gets too hot and to the beaches when it gets too cold and all this while he is not buying the latest “family” car or playing golf on weekends. There is ofcourse no mention about any friction that may have or does exist in their relationship. Maybe I am over reacting, but to me all this is very visible and it seems obvious to me why we give more attention to marriage than we should and this also has a huge bearing by the benchmarks by which we gauge marriages. I probably would not be so bothered if I was not affected by it at some level. Its hard not to get affected no matter how much you guard against it.

Meanwhile, it is the business of organizing a marriage. Also a pledge, that the next time someone tells me to think “out of the box” when planning for my marriage I promise to box him/her out!!